Tuesday, July 17, 2007
by simply being me
"What have i become, my sweetest friend, everyone I know goes away in the end.
And you can have it all
my empire of dirt.
(by simply being me) I will let you down ….. I will make you hurt." *
Sometimes I wish I were a l kid again; skinned knees are easier to fix than broken hearts.... AND so many things in life crush hearts. But I don't remember my childhood with fondness.... maybe i wish I WASN'T a redheaded stepchild again.
It's raining, the truck is broke down, my dog r-u-n-n o-f-t-ed… and the best lover I've ever had just left me for my own good
………………Or this another part of my life sounds a lot like a sad song.
I was drawn to the dumpster down the street to check out the masonite panels that were sticking out. I saw them when I drove by a couple of days before. They haunted me beckoning, reaching out even in my dreams until I could assure myself they were way to battered from their previous usage to hold paint. But it has planted a need in me for a full panel to paint on. Just flippn great! Dam the artistic nature that twists my inner spine, ever searching, thinking conversing with itself…myself. I walk back home in the dark of the street where I have live out the last 23 years of my own personal soap opera. I looked up at sparking Orion and wondered, have I learn what I needed to from this chapter? Is it closed now? Did I leave the last one I touched better off, giving the best I could? did I really?
The four agreements cover this…..
1) No assumptions, less misunderstandings
2) Do the best I can, what ever my best is for that moment, less chance for regrets
3) Speak with integrity; words are powerful so say what I mean, use words to help and heal.
4) Don't take things personally, what a person does or says, says more about themselves then anything. **
..........I am more convinced the older I get there IS no justice at least not here and it's insanity to expect such. The best I can do is to let be, free my attachment and expectation. Know I have no control just roll. I got it early on, when I was 3. I understood then the only true power is love. Because if I fill myself with love hate has no power And nobody can damage the lasting part of me unless I allow them to. The only demons here are the ones I myself have invited.
.................................................So why do I feel so bad still knowing?
Maybe because as a great philosopher said... "the heart has reasons which reason knows not."***
How can a humid summer night in Kansas feel so cold.